But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.