But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.