I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.