I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.