I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.