I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.