I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”