I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.