Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.