Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.