Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?