Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.