Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.