Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.