Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.