I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.