I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.