My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.