So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.