So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.