So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!