Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.