Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.