Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.