Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.