Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.