Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.