Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.