Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.