Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.