My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.