My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.