My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.