My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.