My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!