My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.