I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.