I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.