You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.