You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.