There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.