New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.