New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.