When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.