I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.