I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.