I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.