People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.