People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.