Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.