Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.