Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.