Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.