Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.