Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.