I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.