I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.