I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.