A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.