The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.