What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.