What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.