I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.