Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.