Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.