Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.