I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.