I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".