I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.