I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.