I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".