I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.