When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.