When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.