If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?