If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'