If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".