You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.