The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.