I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.