I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.