Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?