I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"