I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.