I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!