I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.