I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.