My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.