My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.