Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.