Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.