Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.