I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.