It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.