I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.