I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.