For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.