I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.