I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.