My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.