My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.