My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.